I just got back from my session with Brooks. It is customary for me to feel like I just got put through a very intense cycle of washing, drying and ironing after my sessions with Brooks. Today there is an extra intensity to this particular set of sensations, today I feel like I need to die and get born again ... become a born again Pausha :)
I feel that there is a new element to my growing process, and that is actually putting what I learned and what I became into practice. At some point I said to Brooks: I am a "closet God". I am who I am inside, but outside I am whatever I was trained to be. Whatever I believe is safe to be. Whatever I think people will want me to be.
I realized again that there is a point in my "spiritual practice" where I either become what I am, fully and completely, or I'll start falling back, away from myself, into the mind, very rapidly.
There is a split I've been experiencing in my life, and I know I am not the only one, it is the old "body and spirit" dilemma. I can feel this split as a tangible rift, I see that it is a lack of presence. This split happens when I am not wholly and completely myself - inside and as my body.
I can feel very clearly that it is not enough for me to understand who I am, to feel who I am, to experience who I am. It is not enough for me to learn, to read, to practice - I have to be it. Become it. Fully, completely and only. Out in the world where everyone can see me. Out in the society in which I don't fit anymore. Out in the reality controlled and organized by mind, which has nothing to do with who I am. I have to be myself.
I have to allow my reality to reorganize in ways that makes absolutely no sense from the mind's point of view, or from the society's point of view. I need to relate in a way that no one else have ever related before. Because no one else has ever been ME before.
I have to be born again. As me.
Comments (2)
I'm really happy to hear you say this. Thanks for clarifying the weirdness that sometimes hangs out unexplained in the house while I try to figure out how exactly to relate to you.
Hugs.
Chris
Posted by Chris Foley | August 24, 2008 9:32 PM
Hello, Pausha
I'm new to AoG.. :)
I've been reading your blogs for a bit now...Even before the INTENSIVE.
It's very helpful and gracious of you to extend us an online hand in sharing your unfolding journey. Thank YOU!
I deeply resonated with your words today -- A healthy reminder of the perpetual reorganizing. Perfect words for me to rest my eyes upon and allow steep in me. The timing was just PERFECT.
Just PERFECT!
:)
Posted by Malena Gamboa | August 31, 2008 11:37 AM