Art of God

It took me much longer than usual to write another post. I've been ... preoccupied... for the last two weeks, finishing a job for a client from hell. I am designing and producing a website for him, have been doing it for last 4 months. Four months is a loooooong time to create a website.

The client from hell didn't know what he wanted, even though he thought he knew. He would never give any clear instructions. He would never tell me exactly what and how should be done. He would wait until an element was finished, to tell me that it was not what he wanted, even if, maybe, he said it was, but he didn't mean it like this, he meant it like that.

I got a phone call from Brooks last night. He called me to tell me that I am loosing my God presence. He said it was something about the way I live.

We talked about it, I said: usually when I loose myself my life collapses also, becomes very narrow, I get really focused on a detail and loose sight of the large picture. It doesn't happen now. My life works, I get clients, I get money, I meet people, I have adventures.

Brooks said: as you pay attention to the outside what is inside disappears.

I am not happy - I realized suddenly last night. It occurred to me that I am not striving to remain present, to be myself, in order to be myself. I do it to not fall, to not identify with my mind, to not merge with ... whatever. I do it out of fear, I do it to protect myself from being constricted, controlled, lost. I do it to "be a good girl".

And so I opened, I became present as who I am just for the pleasure of it, for the overwhelming bliss that comes with it. It is who I am, this bliss, it is my natural state of being. Everyone's natural state of being. There was trauma shrieking in my ears with thousand voices but, with all this noise, I was myself. I was God, beyond God. Myself.